Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

It probably comes as no surprise that I find Valentine’s Day to be a crock.

If you’re alone, bring on wine-fueled waterworks. If you’re with someone, be all creepy and hold hands in public and say gross stuff like “You’re my soul mate.” (which is enough to make you miss the wine and waterworks)

Blech.

I'm not anti-romance. In fact, I used to read this series of paperback teen novels called Sweet Dreams Romances with titles like “It Must Be Magic.” (it so was) And I live for Mr. Darcy on paper and screen – as long as its the BBC miniseries Pride and Prejudice, not that crappy Kiera Knightly one.

Unfortunately real life is much less romantic than it ought to be. Eventually you end up a little too grateful for even the smallest gestures. And that’s not just the diminished expectations talkin’...

Case in point? Valentines Day 1986.

VD 86 was the year I was in love with an older man. A sophomore! Chris. (sigh) True, he was not the slightest bit interested in me, but why should that matter?! It was the 80s. If you want it, bunch up your leg warmers and go get it girl. So, several days before VD, I ordered a corsage for Chris.

Aw, yeah. Making my move:

2-15-86

Yesterday was the best day of this whole entire year…I got the corsage that I had ordered earlier for Chris. But I decided I wasn’t going to give it to him. Then after the bell rang and I was rushing around trying to get to English class Leah came up to me and said, “I think you should give it to him, he’s walking around all depressed.” So really quickly, I wrote on the card then gave the flower to Leah because I was late for English. Then during English I got delivered a cupcake and card. The card said: “Thanks for the flower. I thought it was pretty neat. Have a Happy Valentines Day! Love, Chris” I almost died! He’s so sweet! He could’ve just said thank you in person but this way was sooooooooo much better!

Good lord, why was I so grateful?! I ordered the guy a flower DAYS in advance. It probably cost me my entire allowance. That was some thoughtful shit, if I do say so myself. He passes by the cheerleader cupcake table and plops down a buck on his way to gym class, and I'm acting like he just slayed a dragon on my behalf.

2-15-86 (continued)

Tyra was telling me that Chris was at the cupcake table buying my cupcake…he was just gonna give it to me at lunch but Tyra said no – pick out a card and I’ll deliver it. He said, “I don’t know what to say – how’s this?” She said good. He asked, are you delivering it now? She said, yes. He said, “I’m leaving.” That sounds exactly like something I would say!! We are so much alike!”

He was just going to give it to me at lunch?! That's even worse!! I’m sorry, but seems to me like the one I should’ve been in love with was Tyra. At least she thought of the card.

And yeah, “I’m leaving” does sound exactly like something I would say. Or exactly like what anyone would say, you know, if they happened to be leaving.

Looking back, I’m not entirely sorry about the corsage bit though. You have to take chances with your allowance every now and again. Stir the romance pot, see what you get. Yes, sometimes you end up with humiliation stew, but you never know unless you try.

But screw Valentines Day. Just buy your own damn cupcake.

FYI, my sister recently informed me that time has not been kind to Chris.

“You wouldn’t want any of his cupcake,” she said. “Trust me.”