Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

On a personal note, I have to post just a quick shout out to my older sister Louise.

February 2 is Groundhog Day, and her birthday. (not necessarily in order of importance there)

Ah, older sisters. When we were growing up mine was, at times, my arch nemesis. Her main method of torture was to dig her nails into my arm just shy of the point of drawing blood. My defense mechanism in return was to bite her.

She went so far as to claim that she prayed that our mother would have another baby so she could (at last) have a sister who was not "such a brat." I took personal offense, of course, but her prayers were answered. She then spent years trying to turn our answered-prayer-sister against me. They would huddle behind closed doors and record songs on Louise’s fancy tape recorder about how I wasn’t allowed to touch their things.

They burned me, but good.

Louise also taught us all how to read. And how to climb up on the roof after mom and dad left for work. (she never quite learned how to climb back down, so it was a flawed adventure, but an adventure all the same)

She organized talent shows, secret clubs, beach side robberies, life and death surgeries on sickly worms. (according to her medical expertise at the time you could anesthetize a worm with sawdust shavings…I’m no longer sure this is true)

More than once she convinced me that the two of us were locked in the bathroom. She informed me, gravely, that it was quite possible we would never get out. "You'd better eat this toothpaste soup before you starve," she advised. (I was pushing triple digits by the time I was 7, I was NOT in danger)

I ate it.

She got her period first, and then told me all about it. I mean ALL ABOUT IT. I was terrified by her descriptions of the mind numbing pain (and potential humiliation) I would one day experience. She explained to me what french kissing was (also seemed kinda gross, to be honest).

She was obsessed with being popular, and who wasn't at that age?! Oh how she wanted to be cool.

What she may or may not have realized was that to me, she WAS. So damn cool. Boys liked her. She had her ears pierced. She went on dates. Good lord, this woman was living!

And because of her, I was living too. Almost living anyway. Living adjacent, at the very least:

June 13, 1985

Tonight Louise went out on a date to the movies and to dinner. She went out with a sophomore in college named Ken. He’s supposedly pretty cute. I am surprised that mom let her go, but I have to give Louise some credit for hanging in there – she’s braver than me! Isn’t the whole thing romantic?

June 19, 1985

Today, Ken sent Louise a vase of roses. That is so sweet. I can’t believe it. I’ll be lucky if a guy ever picks a daisy from his backyard for me!!

June 21, 1985

Well, date #2 (Louise and Ken) went well. They went to the movies (Beverly Hills Cop). He kissed her a lot and they held hands. He is so sweet to her!

I cheated again on my diet – but I will start again tomorrow…

June 22, 1985

Louise is off playing tennis with Ken. I bet they decide not to play and just go out for lunch or something. Ken is really getting serious about Louise. He likes her a lot.

I hope that my brother will take me to see The Power Station in concert. I would love it!! John Taylor is such a massive babe sometimes I can’t handle it.

June 28, 1985

Tonight Louise went out on yet another date with her beloved Ken. I can’t tell you what number this is for I’ve lost count. But tonight’s date was extra-special. After he played the part of the big spender by treating her to dinner, putt putt golf and a movie (Cocoon), they went for a romantic stroll by the lake. (sounds like a page straight from a Sweet Dreams Romance, eh?!) Anyway to make a long story short – he asked her to “go steady.” He didn’t give her a ring or anything – which is a bummer. But Louise is on cloud nine.

Yes, that was one crazy ass summer. Louise was on a roller coaster ride of romance (though, “no ring” so, bummer). And me? I was eating cookies and hoping my brother would take me to a concert. Bang a gong. Bang a mother effing gong.

Things didn’t work out for Louise and Ken. And I never got to see The Power Station. Life is like that sometimes.

But Louise, as far as older sisters go, you’re still pretty cool in my book. Happy Birthday!