Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

Ok, I know. It’s been awhile. I made a New Year’s resolution to write more in 2010 (insert enthusiastic exclamation point). Unfortunately I also made a resolution to “be more positive!” The rub here is that when I don’t have anything nice to say, I like to write it down which goes in direct opposition to pesky resolution #2. I hope both of them don’t go the way of now irrelevant resolution #3 of 1994 to “cut back on long distance calls.” Let’s just say, I didn’t and leave it at that.

It’s important to have goals.

Tuesday, January 1, 1985

Well it is now 1985! (1:11AM) It is the time of year for making New Years Resolutions, and here are mine: to get in shape and lose weight (sound familiar?!), to have more self confidence, to be myself and not just go along with the crowd, and to try to put a little good in the world!

Those are some pretty tough resolutions, but I believe strongly in self improvement. I’ll write in my next entry to let you know how I am doing…

More in my next entry –

I’m not kidding. I actually bothered to write the words: “more in my next entry.” (I should have made “go to bed before 1:11AM” one of my resolutions for christsakes, I was only 13!)

Cut to:

Friday, January 4, 1985

Well on my resolutions I am doing all right. But the one I am really having trouble with is the losing weight. Oh well, I will work on it!

See that? In just 4 days I freed myself from the shackles of peer pressure and probably saved a kid from a well. (or possibly just “tried” – remember the deal was “try” to do some good…try) But damn you weight loss devil! How you continue to plague me!

I still “believe strongly” in self improvement and in spite of my resolution track record, I still make them. And I mean them. Or at least I resolve to mean them which is practically the same thing.

At a recent dinner party, I ended up seated across the table from my polar opposite – a smoking hot, 22-year-old, life loving lady. I will just call her “Sexy Lexie” for anonymity’s sake. And because that’s secretly what I like to call her.

We haven’t known each other long, but Lexie is a perfectly nice person. She’s also one of those people who prides herself on leading a life of great adventure. As a courtesy, she’s constantly inviting me to “carpe diem” it up by joining her in activities that hold very little interest for me.

Camping!

How about tango lessons?!

And my personal fave, a sex workshop called "How to Please a Man!”

As I mentioned, I believe strongly in self improvement, I just don’t want to take an instructional fellatio class with someone I see socially. I’m Midwestern that way…

Often she expresses great frustration at my lack of enthusiasm for her suggestions. That night was no exception. When I shot down her idea of indoor sky diving! (technically there is no sky indoors, my sister rightly pointed out to me later) – she looked at me and asked, “Well, what is it that you DO like to do?!”

“Read.” I replied.

Look, I know what you're thinking. Not the best answer...but it is true, and it sounded better than “watch reruns of The Golden Girls” which was the only other thing I could think of on the fly.

“OHHHH!” she exclaimed.

To my great surprise, her eyes lit up. Victory! At last, I had offered up something worthwhile. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then she continued, “Well. If you like to read, you know what you should do?!! You really should host a murder mystery party…”

This was followed by an elaborate description of just what goes into this cutting edge, literary sort of affair (costumes, snacks, murders, mysteries…no actual reading as far as I could tell).

Lexie has been to several such parties. They were fabulous, of course.

My inner voices raged: WHY do I have to throw a murder mystery party?! I don’t even read murder mysteries. Couldn’t I just, you know…READ?!

And really? What's it to you?!

Ok, ok. Deep breath. As annoyed as I was, this conversation did leave me to wonder, is Lexie essentially right? Am I dull? And have I always been this way? Or was there a time when I wanted more?

June 14, 1985

I really think Madonna is great. She is not only beautiful, but outrageous and most of all she is a free spirit. No guilt, no strings. She goes where she wants, when she wants and while she’s there – she gets what she wants. Someday I want to be like her. Not necessarily with a see-through brassiere or a ton of makeup, but I want to wander…

Well, ok. Now we’re talking. Holiday. Celebrate.

I’m not 13 anymore, and I no longer want to become Madonna (though I do own a see through bra or two, so in your face Sexy Lexie). This is 2010. I’m a grown woman with real goals.

That’s why this year, I have resolved to become Beyoncé.

Becoming Beyoncé is not as crazy as it sounds. I don’t harbor illusions that I’ll suddenly be able to sing, or do the Single Ladies dance. (I have tried, it was not attractive) And please, if I ever woke up actually looking like Beyoncé, rest assured I would just use that awesome power for evil.

I’m talking about channeling an inner Beyoncé. Yes, we all know, she’s a “survivor.” She’s “bootylicious.” She would not hesitate to kick your ass “to the left” if necessary.

Most of all, one can’t help but notice that Beyoncé seems to genuinely like Beyoncé. A LOT. I’m pretty much up to my neck in a constant state of self loathing, so this kind of confidence seems as foreign to me as growing a second head.

Maybe her music isn’t your thing, but you must admit – she is riddled with straight-up, in-your-face, “I’m-awesome-itis.”

And who among us couldn’t use a little more of that this year?

So yeah, that’s right. I’m becoming Beyoncé in 2010.

And if my Beyoncé wants to stay home and read, she will, god dammit.