Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

I’m not much for competition. I avoid it. And if I can’t manage to avoid it altogether, then I pretty much opt for preemptive surrender. I hear that starter pistol fire, and I’m already graciously shaking my opponent’s hand.

Congrats, buddy. You win. Good game, though. Nice hustle.

Ok, so I don't have the eye of the tiger, but this approach does allow me to avoid all the messy disappointment that stems from wondering “what if today is my day?!” It’s not. Trust me on this.

And if I do happen to stumble into an occasional victory, well, hot damn. Surprise City, and I’m the mayor.

I have always had an especially deep aversion to competition in the old romance department. Nothing like the humiliation of having “PLEASE LIKE ME!” tattooed all over your face.

(I’m telling you, I would never make it on that tv show “The Bachelor.” And not just because I’m already married and prone to violent outbursts of profanity and find the entire concept of the show vomit-inducing…)

Feeling like you’re competing for someone’s attention is hard to avoid in real life. Even if you’re trolling for dates on one of those “meet a prisoner” websites -- sooner or later, we all find ourselves in the unfortunate situation of liking the same person (or prisoner) as someone else. I just pretty much always assumed that every time I found myself in that sort of situation, I would lose.

In fact, my whole life, I purposefully sought out men who were a little off the radar, to avoid just that feeling.

Like that guy who ran into someone he knew from psychic school while we were on our first date. Hey, it beats clown college, and he’s all mine.

(sigh) Isn’t it almost romantic?

I eventually discovered that there is a mystifying social phenomenon that renders my (otherwise brilliant) strategy totally useless.

Turns out, no matter how obscure, socially awkward or “outside the box” your choice for romance may be, the very fact that you dare to like someone at all immediately ups their “hot ticket” value exponentially.

Your possible interest in him or her (I find this to be a gender-neutral problem) seems to somehow create a perfect storm of newfound attention in the previously calm waters of your latest crush. It’s like the rest of the world just discovered your favorite band, and now you can’t get tickets to the show.

Cue humiliating “PLEASE LIKE ME!” face tattoo and saddle up for a bumpy ride.

And so, like it or not, the competition begins. And it begins early.

11-2-1985

About three weeks ago, I developed the biggest crush on this boy in my class named Bobby Orson. The only problem with that is that Cecily had a crush on him at the same time. So at Hadley’s football party last weekend he was kind of acting like he liked me. Then I found out he asked Cecily to sit by him on the bus on the trip the band is taking today. Well, let me tell you, was I ever disappointed!! So I tried just blowing it off but that didn’t work. I’m still flipped over the guy, and I can’t help wondering what he’s doing with Cecily right now. Probably nothing knowing goodie-two-shoes Cecily! But what bugs me is that for a while he liked me, and then he thought I was mad at him so he liked Cecily.

But no one likes Cecily for long once they get to know her!!

That last bit was straight up unsportsmanlike conduct. My apologies.

What is obvious to me in retrospect is that IF Bobby did indeed have feelings for me they couldn’t have been deep. Certainly not The Notebook deep, if he merely “thought I was mad at him” and that was enough to drive him into the arms of a goodie-two-shoes who may or may not let him feel her up on a band trip. (my money was clearly on “may not” from the tone of this diary entry, sorry Bobb old boy…)

Regardless, I was left “still flipped” and “ever disappointed.”

In the years that passed since Hadley’s fateful football party of 1985, I found myself in the Cecily predicament many times.

Nothing epic, mind you. It was all just a series of mini-defeats.

Stupid stuff like, you innocently ask your co-worker, “Hey, do you think that guy in accounting is cute?”

"Who?" she asks.

And the next thing you know they’re full on macking at the office Christmas party. So yah, she thinks he’s cute.

And she obviously didn’t pick up on the fact that SO DID YOU.

Anyway, enough of these things happen, you start feeling tagged for doom. The consummate loser. Until even the possibility of a possibility seems improbable. You know what I mean.

And then...

12-6-1985

I just got back from the first boys basketball game of the season. It was so much fun! Maybe that’s because the guy I have a crush on right now is on J.V. – so I can cheer for him! (by the way, I got over Bobb, he was too immature. Not that I am some great mature person, but he’s really bad! Now we’re just friends.) Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, Chris (that’s the guy I have a crush on) is in the 10^th grade. I will never have a chance with him…

Ah, ever the optimist.

I don't know, not to try to sound like "some great mature person," but if you think about it, maybe all these defeats are nothing but a series of dodged bullets. The defeated live to fight another day. Or cheer or whatever you’re into at the time.

Until it stops being such a fight anymore.

And I guess that Cecily did not ruin the romance of my life after all.

She did try though.

Stupid Cecily.

It’s not often that one can peruse the pages of their teenage diaries and find a topic that is so damn old, it’s new again.

Actually, it does sort of happen often.

ALL the time.

But you’re missing my point…

Thursday, January 31, 1985

I haven’t had a pop in 6 days. I am cutting down to 2 a week.

Great news. I just knew Michael Jackson would come through!! He and some others are starting an American version of “Do They Know It’s Christmas” for Ethiopia called “We Are the World.” It’s gonna be great!!

Louise’s gerbil had 7 babies recently. Isn’t that nice?

I tended to bury the lead back then (no pop in 6 days…how was I alive?!), but the new/old thing I’m referring to is, of course, We Are the World.

(fyi: the gerbil bit didn’t turn out to be that nice. The mother ate like three of the babies within the space of a week. It was seriously gruesome.)

I was really happy to hear that Quincy Jones gathered a new group to reprise the song We Are the World to benefit earthquake victims in Haiti. I can’t say I’m a fan of all the artists involved, but charity is charity (even if it comes in the form of a Jonas Brother) – and Haiti desperately needs the help. I read that this time the session was filmed in 3D with green screen technology that will allow you to put yourself in the video. Right there! Next to Lil Wayne.

Pretty cool, if you ask me.

25 years ago the big “wow!” was that it was probably the first time Kenny Rogers had ever even heard of Cyndi Lauper. (I would’ve so wedged myself between them via technology if given the chance…)

Friday, April 5^th, 1985

There is so much to tell! I have been very busy with spring break and all! It was great.

But more importantly is USA for Africa. So much progress. Today their song “We Are the World” was played at 10:50 this morning – all over the world – at the same time. No one could escape its sad but at the same time hopeful message.

(Well, you know, except for those without radios…but I was emotional at the time.)

Friday, April 5^th, 1985 (continued)

…If people don’t respond to that then there is something definitely wrong with today’s society…There is one line in that touching song We Are the World that inspires me: “We can’t go on pretending day by day that someone somewhere will soon make a change.” The meaning of that line is the story of my life. I kept telling myself that I would sit around and cry a few tears and someone else would make the miracles happen. But that’s the wrong idea. We have to get off our rears and give it our best shot or else things only get worse!

I have to pass on something special so that I may look back upon this in fond memory: Steve Perry, after singing with the legendary choir USA for Africa, went to a hotel and slept and slept. Then he ordered room service, and as he removed the silver cover from the food he suddenly began to cry.

It gives me a chill each time I hear that story.

Now I’m sure Steve Perry is a great and generous guy, and maybe there is a bit of truth to this room service story (which was likely brought to my attention by the hard hitting journalists at Tiger Beat). I’m just not sure why it had such a chilling impact on me, certainly the famine was enough cause for emotion, but hey…I was a kid who loved Journey.

I laughed out loud when I found this entry, but honestly, I can’t even bring myself to make as much fun of my strange/cheesy/overly earnest 13-year-old self as I probably should.

I went to youtube and watched the video again. It still gets me. Even though I firmly believe that no one (with the exception of Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles) ought to have been allowed to wear their sunglasses during the recording session, I think the song was a heart felt effort by all. Plus, I sort of miss Huey Lewis. Where is that guy?

Anyway, I was not the most eloquent teenager, but some things still ring true 25 years later. We do have to “get off our rears,” or “things only get worse.”

We are (still) the world.

On a personal note, I have to post just a quick shout out to my older sister Louise.

February 2 is Groundhog Day, and her birthday. (not necessarily in order of importance there)

Ah, older sisters. When we were growing up mine was, at times, my arch nemesis. Her main method of torture was to dig her nails into my arm just shy of the point of drawing blood. My defense mechanism in return was to bite her.

She went so far as to claim that she prayed that our mother would have another baby so she could (at last) have a sister who was not "such a brat." I took personal offense, of course, but her prayers were answered. She then spent years trying to turn our answered-prayer-sister against me. They would huddle behind closed doors and record songs on Louise’s fancy tape recorder about how I wasn’t allowed to touch their things.

They burned me, but good.

Louise also taught us all how to read. And how to climb up on the roof after mom and dad left for work. (she never quite learned how to climb back down, so it was a flawed adventure, but an adventure all the same)

She organized talent shows, secret clubs, beach side robberies, life and death surgeries on sickly worms. (according to her medical expertise at the time you could anesthetize a worm with sawdust shavings…I’m no longer sure this is true)

More than once she convinced me that the two of us were locked in the bathroom. She informed me, gravely, that it was quite possible we would never get out. "You'd better eat this toothpaste soup before you starve," she advised. (I was pushing triple digits by the time I was 7, I was NOT in danger)

I ate it.

She got her period first, and then told me all about it. I mean ALL ABOUT IT. I was terrified by her descriptions of the mind numbing pain (and potential humiliation) I would one day experience. She explained to me what french kissing was (also seemed kinda gross, to be honest).

She was obsessed with being popular, and who wasn't at that age?! Oh how she wanted to be cool.

What she may or may not have realized was that to me, she WAS. So damn cool. Boys liked her. She had her ears pierced. She went on dates. Good lord, this woman was living!

And because of her, I was living too. Almost living anyway. Living adjacent, at the very least:

June 13, 1985

Tonight Louise went out on a date to the movies and to dinner. She went out with a sophomore in college named Ken. He’s supposedly pretty cute. I am surprised that mom let her go, but I have to give Louise some credit for hanging in there – she’s braver than me! Isn’t the whole thing romantic?

June 19, 1985

Today, Ken sent Louise a vase of roses. That is so sweet. I can’t believe it. I’ll be lucky if a guy ever picks a daisy from his backyard for me!!

June 21, 1985

Well, date #2 (Louise and Ken) went well. They went to the movies (Beverly Hills Cop). He kissed her a lot and they held hands. He is so sweet to her!

I cheated again on my diet – but I will start again tomorrow…

June 22, 1985

Louise is off playing tennis with Ken. I bet they decide not to play and just go out for lunch or something. Ken is really getting serious about Louise. He likes her a lot.

I hope that my brother will take me to see The Power Station in concert. I would love it!! John Taylor is such a massive babe sometimes I can’t handle it.

June 28, 1985

Tonight Louise went out on yet another date with her beloved Ken. I can’t tell you what number this is for I’ve lost count. But tonight’s date was extra-special. After he played the part of the big spender by treating her to dinner, putt putt golf and a movie (Cocoon), they went for a romantic stroll by the lake. (sounds like a page straight from a Sweet Dreams Romance, eh?!) Anyway to make a long story short – he asked her to “go steady.” He didn’t give her a ring or anything – which is a bummer. But Louise is on cloud nine.

Yes, that was one crazy ass summer. Louise was on a roller coaster ride of romance (though, “no ring” so, bummer). And me? I was eating cookies and hoping my brother would take me to a concert. Bang a gong. Bang a mother effing gong.

Things didn’t work out for Louise and Ken. And I never got to see The Power Station. Life is like that sometimes.

But Louise, as far as older sisters go, you’re still pretty cool in my book. Happy Birthday!

Ok, I know. It’s been awhile. I made a New Year’s resolution to write more in 2010 (insert enthusiastic exclamation point). Unfortunately I also made a resolution to “be more positive!” The rub here is that when I don’t have anything nice to say, I like to write it down which goes in direct opposition to pesky resolution #2. I hope both of them don’t go the way of now irrelevant resolution #3 of 1994 to “cut back on long distance calls.” Let’s just say, I didn’t and leave it at that.

It’s important to have goals.

Tuesday, January 1, 1985

Well it is now 1985! (1:11AM) It is the time of year for making New Years Resolutions, and here are mine: to get in shape and lose weight (sound familiar?!), to have more self confidence, to be myself and not just go along with the crowd, and to try to put a little good in the world!

Those are some pretty tough resolutions, but I believe strongly in self improvement. I’ll write in my next entry to let you know how I am doing…

More in my next entry –

I’m not kidding. I actually bothered to write the words: “more in my next entry.” (I should have made “go to bed before 1:11AM” one of my resolutions for christsakes, I was only 13!)

Cut to:

Friday, January 4, 1985

Well on my resolutions I am doing all right. But the one I am really having trouble with is the losing weight. Oh well, I will work on it!

See that? In just 4 days I freed myself from the shackles of peer pressure and probably saved a kid from a well. (or possibly just “tried” – remember the deal was “try” to do some good…try) But damn you weight loss devil! How you continue to plague me!

I still “believe strongly” in self improvement and in spite of my resolution track record, I still make them. And I mean them. Or at least I resolve to mean them which is practically the same thing.

At a recent dinner party, I ended up seated across the table from my polar opposite – a smoking hot, 22-year-old, life loving lady. I will just call her “Sexy Lexie” for anonymity’s sake. And because that’s secretly what I like to call her.

We haven’t known each other long, but Lexie is a perfectly nice person. She’s also one of those people who prides herself on leading a life of great adventure. As a courtesy, she’s constantly inviting me to “carpe diem” it up by joining her in activities that hold very little interest for me.

Camping!

How about tango lessons?!

And my personal fave, a sex workshop called "How to Please a Man!”

As I mentioned, I believe strongly in self improvement, I just don’t want to take an instructional fellatio class with someone I see socially. I’m Midwestern that way…

Often she expresses great frustration at my lack of enthusiasm for her suggestions. That night was no exception. When I shot down her idea of indoor sky diving! (technically there is no sky indoors, my sister rightly pointed out to me later) – she looked at me and asked, “Well, what is it that you DO like to do?!”

“Read.” I replied.

Look, I know what you're thinking. Not the best answer...but it is true, and it sounded better than “watch reruns of The Golden Girls” which was the only other thing I could think of on the fly.

“OHHHH!” she exclaimed.

To my great surprise, her eyes lit up. Victory! At last, I had offered up something worthwhile. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then she continued, “Well. If you like to read, you know what you should do?!! You really should host a murder mystery party…”

This was followed by an elaborate description of just what goes into this cutting edge, literary sort of affair (costumes, snacks, murders, mysteries…no actual reading as far as I could tell).

Lexie has been to several such parties. They were fabulous, of course.

My inner voices raged: WHY do I have to throw a murder mystery party?! I don’t even read murder mysteries. Couldn’t I just, you know…READ?!

And really? What's it to you?!

Ok, ok. Deep breath. As annoyed as I was, this conversation did leave me to wonder, is Lexie essentially right? Am I dull? And have I always been this way? Or was there a time when I wanted more?

June 14, 1985

I really think Madonna is great. She is not only beautiful, but outrageous and most of all she is a free spirit. No guilt, no strings. She goes where she wants, when she wants and while she’s there – she gets what she wants. Someday I want to be like her. Not necessarily with a see-through brassiere or a ton of makeup, but I want to wander…

Well, ok. Now we’re talking. Holiday. Celebrate.

I’m not 13 anymore, and I no longer want to become Madonna (though I do own a see through bra or two, so in your face Sexy Lexie). This is 2010. I’m a grown woman with real goals.

That’s why this year, I have resolved to become Beyoncé.

Becoming Beyoncé is not as crazy as it sounds. I don’t harbor illusions that I’ll suddenly be able to sing, or do the Single Ladies dance. (I have tried, it was not attractive) And please, if I ever woke up actually looking like Beyoncé, rest assured I would just use that awesome power for evil.

I’m talking about channeling an inner Beyoncé. Yes, we all know, she’s a “survivor.” She’s “bootylicious.” She would not hesitate to kick your ass “to the left” if necessary.

Most of all, one can’t help but notice that Beyoncé seems to genuinely like Beyoncé. A LOT. I’m pretty much up to my neck in a constant state of self loathing, so this kind of confidence seems as foreign to me as growing a second head.

Maybe her music isn’t your thing, but you must admit – she is riddled with straight-up, in-your-face, “I’m-awesome-itis.”

And who among us couldn’t use a little more of that this year?

So yeah, that’s right. I’m becoming Beyoncé in 2010.

And if my Beyoncé wants to stay home and read, she will, god dammit.

The other day my sister and I were talking about sluts.

And by that, I mean we were talking about ourselves.

Oh, we’re both too functionally lazy to be truly shocking, but we’ve had our less than virtuous moments.

Don’t judge.

Unless, of course, you must:

May 9, 1985

…Tracey is such a slut. She told Derek O. that she would do “something” with him on the class trip. Jenny G. said she would too. Give me a break! Tracey is ugly and has no body at all. (better no body than too much body I guess) He will just use her. She knows it too – and likes it!! Maybe along the line she’ll develop a brain – sometimes I wonder! It’s too bad Jenny can’t think for herself and has to do whatever Tracey does. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is just jealousy talking, but I don’t feel jealous. Anyone can be slutty like them. That’s all for now…

Look, I’m glad I had the good sense at the age of 13 not to get involved in this ill-advised threesome that Tracey and Jenny were plotting. A school bus is no place to get your first STD.

But why was I so quick to condemn (and insult) these girls? Tracey was not exactly “ugly” by the way. She did have an unfortunate asymmetrical hair cut, but I blame Cyndi Lauper for that. As for Jenny -- short, cheerful and hopped up on Skittles by 8:00AM. What’s not to like?

Anyway, doing “something” could mean anything, right?

Yeah. Right. Something means something, and we all know what. (or we can at least guess)

Back then it all seemed so clear. There was a moral code. You were either a dirty whore or you weren’t. And if you were, you were. No going back. And you got what you deserved. (and obviously you deserved things like teen pregnancy, herpes and subtle, sexually-themed nicknames like “Head”) So there.

Turns out I was right about one thing. Anyone can be slutty like them. Including me.

Face it, male or female, if you’ve stayed single past the age of 25, you probably have been too.

It’s not your fault. Or maybe it is. I’m not here to wrestle your demons.

Point is, life is long. Way longer than that class trip. And life is full of bars. And bars are full of strangers. And those strangers may or may not want to make out with you. Mistakes will be made. And maybe we ought to cut the sluts (and ourselves) a break.

I realize there are so-called “rules” to dating (mostly made up by rulesy women with tidy hair-dos and pastel sweaters). To be honest, I never did much actual dating. I think I maybe went on 5 dates in over 30 years of being single. The best of them were comically bad, the rest were just awkward.

And so, you learn to improvise. You relax the moral code. Not all of your choices are proud moments. Some you regret. Some you don’t. Others you pretend to regret, even though you so don’t.

It’s not a perfect system, and it’s not for everyone…but in my case, it beat dying of boredom. (Well, sometimes anyway.)

I don’t mean to sound jaded or like a cautionary tale from the ’70s. And I certainly don’t advocate slutty behavior amongst teens – though according to the CW, teenagers today are a tribe of half-naked, insatiable perverts who basically give each other hand jobs while doing their math homework then post it on YouTube.

Anyway, I still consider myself a medically responsible yet incurable romantic. I love a love story. And just because yours doesn’t begin with “once upon a time…” doesn’t mean it can’t end happily ever after. Or happily ever after happy hour, whatever.

The casual stuff is tricky like that. There are times when it’s hard to tell if you’re actually dating, or just a couple of sluts with nothing better to do. You may even develop feelings (if you’re the sort who goes around doing things like developing feelings), and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.

You’re human, not a whore machine.

(FYI: my sister and I made up our own version of the song Love Machine. Sing it with us: “I’m just a whore machine, and I won’t work for nobody but you…and you! And you!” And so on…)

In the interest of full disclosure, I did eventually “fall” in “love." (does it make it less nauseating if I put it in quotes?) And I even got married which I was pretty sure I’d never do -- to a guy I met at work and then accidentally made out with in a dark, smelly bar with antlers on the wall and “Slow Ride” blaring from the juke box.

It’s one of those filthy strip mall bars with chicken wing vomit in the parking lot and white Christmas lights outside even in the dead heat of July.

I pointed the place out to my sister one night as we were driving by.

“Looks so romantic,” she said.