Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

Ok, so I feel that I should fess up.

For those of you who bother to read this blog regularly (I love you the most, by the way, you’re all I’ve got. No, seriously…) -- you may remember that I recently posted an entry where I celebrated my hard earned “freedom” from my 9^th grade crush on a sophomore named Chris. (see entry aptly titled “Freedom”) All true, of course.

I am woman/teenage girl, hear me roar!

For a second anyway.

Just a few pages later, I stumbled on to this:

Sunday, May 11, 1986

For the first time in a looonngg…time I had a real blast. Today (about 7:30) Karen called me to play football with her, Brian, Monica, Mark, Chris, Tim, Javier,Sarah,and Erik. It was sooooooo much fun! I suck at football, but we had fun. It was cool. Monica is so nice!! Chris looked cute! Oh shit – I can’t handle it!! I might as well admit it…I’m in lust over him!! Why the hell can’t I forget about him?!? What am I going to do? I have an awesome plan. I’ll be really super nice to him no matter what!! Then see what happens! (insert scribbled hearts here) Tyra and I are going out prom nite and partying majorly since we aren’t going to the prom!!

More later!!

And so, there I am. Alone again. With Tyra.

There’s a lot going on here:

Blast.

Fun.

Suck.

Fun (again).

Cool.

Nice.

Cute.

Shit.

And Lust?!

I was 14. What did I know of lust?! Maybe it was all that football…

Let’s focus. So, this guy Chris does NOT like me. He has shown no tangible signs of genuine affection even by a high school standard. And yet my “awesome plan” is to be “super nice” to him?!

“No matter what,” no less?!

Bad plan. Flawed to the extreme. Not even the slightest bit awesome. But worse? It became not just a “plan” but a pattern.

I’ve always held to the misguided belief that you should greet people’s indifference, rudeness and general cruelty with private indignation mixed with public displays of nothing but smiles.

I’m not some kindly saint. Or even kind of kindly. But I can fake it. And I often do. Because I figure that eventually, if you’re nice enough – albeit in a pointed yet subtly disappointed fashion -- you won’t have to tell them they’ve been a rotten jerk at all. Why, they’ll just learn their lesson(s) and come to their sense(s) all on their own(s)! Then we can all share a milk shake and say bygones. Just like in the movies!

To paraphrase Hemingway, Shakespeare, Judy Blume and the like: “yeah, right.”

The other day my sister pointed out this foolish pattern to me with a simple question. She was outraged by the overly polite response I made to someone’s overtly rude comment on my Facebook page, and she asked me: “When exactly can we stop trying to kill people with kindness and just kill them?!”

She didn’t mean literally or "majorly" of course.

At least, I don’t think she did.

Either way, she has a point. It doesn’t work, this awesome plan. Kindness is too often wasted on the wrong people. And politeness?! Politeness is for the birds. And birds are creepy, and they shit on you.

In closing, I’d like to take diary entry attendance one last time: Karen, Brian, Monica, Mark, Chris, Tim, Javier, Sarah and Erik.

Hold the phone...Javier?

Oh Javier. How did I let you slip away?

More later.