Leave Me Alone, I Hate You

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I gained 5lbs in four days. (I also passed out in a haze of wine while sitting upright in a chair, playing a rousing game of Scattergories with company that included -- among others -- my in-laws. But, hey, we'll tackle the drink beast later.)

Point is, I've been on a diet for about 25 years -- and I'm exhausted. I was (and still am) the chubbiest of 5 children. It's cute when you're little. My father recently hung all these old black and white photos of me with jelly on my chin(s) or blowing out birthday candles with my cheeks puffed out and cherubic. Yeah. I'm cute. So damn cute my babysitter dropped me down the stairs once. When I revealed this horrifying, yet isolated, incident of child abuse to my mother, the babysitter simply shrugged and said, "She's heavy."

She had a point.

But it got better. I have photographic proof that by age 11 I was a fairly normal kid. Average, even. Ok, I could never do a single pull up during the Presidential Fitness Test they gave us every year in gym class. Could you? Please. Pull ups?!

We're children, not sailors.

Anyway, sometime during my short-lived average weight existence, I remember a friend asking me if I'd like to go on a diet with her. Why not?! Sounds exotic and grown-up. Like frenching. Besides, I had nothing else to do.

Here is a window into the tortured soul of a premature and chronic dieter:

August 23, 1984

Well I have decided to get reacquainted with my diary. I am about to re-enter school after a boring summer at the age of 13 in the 8th grade. I don't know what the 8th grade will be like, but I know one thing, I have to lose a lot of weight. Right now I weigh 136lbs. That's horrible!! But I can't seem to lose it. I figured if I could get to know myself, I could lose the weight I need to lose. This is a great way to do so. But now I am tired and need some sleep! More tomorrow...

...we were supposed to go to the fair today. It was raining for a little while but now its just cloudy. Hadley just called asking if I knew where Leslie was. While she was talking she said to her brother, "Shut up Doug!" I said, "really, shut up." And then he said "you know where your dinner hangs." What an asshole! I hate him! His sister is fatter than I am! He should talk, he's about as handsome as my rear end!

Wow, get to know me diary! You call me fat, and I'll turn on my best friend...or the fattest girl near me.

And so the dieting began.

That initial diet taught me a lot of things. Like how to make cookies, baking only about 6 out of every batch, and eating the rest of the dough raw while watching reruns of Kung Fu. (the Kung Fu part was not my idea, I had older brothers, you live with what you get television-wise)

It taught me how to waste hours of my youth standing in front of a full length mirror comparing abdomens with the photo on the inside cover of my Madonna album, hoping one day to look like her. (that's 80's Madonna people, its an easier goal to reach)

And it introduced me to aerobics. Ha! Even better, it introduced me to the Jamie Lee Curtis aerobics-themed film "Perfect" -- and I'm telling you, all diet fatigue aside, this movie is worth a second glance. If only for the enjoyment of watching John Travolta play a "journalist".

Later in life it also taught me how to play a fun game with old photos called "Fatter? Thinner? Or the Same?" (FTOS) I warn you, this game can be addictive and dangerous. It should only be played with close friends. Under no circumstances should you play FTOS with someone you are dating, want to date -- or even someone you once dated, have no interest in, but who you would like to imagine still wants you deep down.

Yep. 25 years now, and I've learned something else about dieting...

No matter how fat you think you are, you can always be fatter.

And believe me when I say (to my 13 year old self ) -- I would sell your skinny soul to the devil, the circus or whatever hell you can imagine just to weigh 136 goddam pounds again, you ungrateful teenager!